Rage Against (The Idiot Who Broke The Copy) Machine

You'd think in the time between opening up the copy machine with no idea of what you're doing and actually breaking the supposedly idiot-proof handle thing that you're supposed to press-to-release rather than pull-to-open you might stop and think "maybe I should ask for some help from someone who has actually done this before." In fact, you probably did have this thought, but then thought "Nah, I'll just go ahead and pull this thing until I rip it the fuck off, then I'll leave the copy machine totally broken for God-knows-how-long until the copy machine jerks come to fix it. In the meantime, I'll talk to my coworker about how I'm having a rough day with technology, seeing as I just broke the copy machine. You're telling me, sister. Now I've gotta make copies with the "Copy" function on my goddamn computer scanner/printer. I think it may be quicker to fax this shit to myself. I may as well get a rotary stencil duplicator and save myself the trouble. JESUS.

Defeated

The other day I was walking down the hall and this dude goes "You look better than usual today. You usually look more, you know...down." What the hell is that? Thanks for noticing my apparently uncharacteristic buoyancy, prick! Now I'm all self conscious about how defeated I look the other 90% of my life. And guess what, you're shitty backhanded compliment just slapped me back in my sad sack place! Now I'm going to think about it all the time and seethe with contempt and dislike whenever you come to my cubicle. I can't decide who I hate more now, you or the bookkeeper lady who hassles me about the amount of hours I'm giving the interns but won't let me see the budget I'm working off of (because said budget doesn't even technically exist) but in the meantime I'm supposed to do twice as much work as one well paid person can do and I am forced to use four underpaid goons who have no motivation and only do like one thing every hour and that's why I have to give them each 8 hours a week because, even though they're lazy they're not stupid and they know that lifting boxes full of books for $8 an hour is a rip off, but double that is fair, so they do half the amount of work that anyone trying at all would do. But then I have to yell at them for it and then they quit and I end up doing it anyway. Goddamnit.

Danish

When I got to work this morning, Gale the secretary gave me a big smile. It actually warmed my heart. Then, five minutes later, just when I'd sat down and started wading through my unread email, she showed up at my desk and told me I had to go back out in the blizzard and buy twenty-five danish for this conference call the suits are having at 11. Ten regular ones, ten with chocolate, and five without gluten.

This is the worst.

Man, this is so lame. Todd, my boss, just printed out 10 different inventory sheets with 10 different formats for ten different storage areas on site. Now I have to make like 24 copies of each, collate them, hole punch them, put them all in a binder and separate every 10 sheets with a divider stating the bimonthly dates of the inventorying. WTF! Shouldn't there be some kind of robot inside the copy machine that does this crap? Also, why not just one format for 10 different storage areas? Then I could just make one copy 240 times rather than 10 copies 24 times. Sure it's the same amount of ink, but it seems wasteful somehow.

Kitchen detail

Just before he left, my boss told me I better have the computer done by tomorrow or I'm on "kitchen detail" for the rest of the week. I don't even know what that means! He laughed when he said it, so hopefully he was joking.

This Modern Life

How did I end up here? Now they send me out to buy rubber bands, but they need to be RED for some stupid reason so I'm running across town, skipping lunch in the process. Why?!

Also, I'm staying late tonight to defrag boss' computer. Just because I'm under 30 they think I know all about computers.

Horrible

Great. Now my boss says I need to re-do the whole mailing list that we use to send out invitations to our awful cocktail parties. Preferrably by tomorrow. Always by tomorrow.

I can't stand this

I need to seal 200 envelopes to some assholes by tomorrow.